Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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