She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
