do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
