My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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