Your face is a jimmy john
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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