Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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