oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
