i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
