Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize