I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
