I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
