so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize