I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
