i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
