Will you blow on my dice?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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