I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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