He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
