I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
