Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
