This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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