How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
