next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
