i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My ass is underappreciated
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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