I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
