1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
