Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
