sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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