Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She has the best kind of daddy issues
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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