I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
