i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
