apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
