I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
