he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Randomize
