I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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