can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize