morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
