Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
