So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
