Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
