nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
