how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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