She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
