im having a threesome with these popsicles
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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