Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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