ugly people sure do ruin things
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
