I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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