Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize