While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
