How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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