just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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