4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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