alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
