you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
