Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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