the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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